I am officially a medical student.

I feel strong enough. I feel a bit convinced that this is the path for me.

I hope I learn soon if this is indeed the right thing for me..

Rats.

I'm bored to tears.

I am unable to decide.

I've been thinking so much that I couldn't sleep properly.

At one point I wanna pack up and go, work somewhere. I so much want freedom, I always have.

Yet the other side of me wants to pursue medicine.

which means.. I'll be stuck at a rotten home for years..

I have to live with them again, though I badly want to leave.

I am so torn..

Many people have told me to try seeing myself like five years from now..

I couldn't..

Directionless..

and there is no one to help me 

Okay, had a blast with him today. It's like I wouldn't trade those hours with him for anything else- except for a life with him maybe..

Right. So tomorrow I'm gonna go have some job screening. We'll see how it goes. It's just a part time job. I need it to prevent my resources from getting depleted. I pray everything will turn out well and that the work environment's cool and all. We shall see. Too bad I have to reschedule a school interview... because they only gave me 16 hr heads-up!! while the job interview was scheduled like three days before...

Well.. Thing is,

I miss him terribly. I miss him easily. Even though when I'm still with him exchanging BRB hugs and kisses, I already feel that I miss him. I said BRB because he has this no goodbye policy... No to saying goodbye to each other. 

I thought I'm already used to this pseudo long distance thing. My strength crumbles down everytime we meet, I find myself wanting to spend more time with him or to meet him again as soon as possible. We can't do that right now.. But I guess it can all wait, he's worth it.

I'm feeling very bitter right now.

See, I like to take photos of him. It's something normal when you're attracted to your partner. I like to check out the photos when we're not together. It would make me recall the nice moment we had.

So yeah, he doesn't like it. He says he's ugly and whatever. 

I'm reminded of something I saw- yeah. That picture. I shouldn't bring it up to him but I'm itching to.

I feel so bitter. My own boyfriend. I can't. I'm so bitter. 

Yeah, I'll try to get over it. No promises.

Cried myself to sleep like some sorry ass loser. Okay, I dunno. I can't say I dunno what's wrong with me because I clearly do. I feel like my life has reached some dead end. I feel like there's nothing more for me anymore. I feel tired of trying to be strong and hopeful.

Isn't it time that I put to rest the straight face I've been using in my daily life?

Screw this.. Now what, I need to find myself again? Be strong? Be positive? Why don't you try being positive? Given that 99% of your life sucks.